Spork and Foon - A short script

[james2183]

The only way I am going to learn from my mistakes is to learn from others so here is a short piece I wrote the other day, first draft so will need obvious tweaking. Hope you enjoy.

Spork and Foon
A Short Script by James Allison


Fade In

Int. Kitchen

It?s a normal everyday kitchen. From the doorway enters CLAIRE, a mid 20?s woman who looks younger than she appears to be. She is carrying one carrier bag and places it on the side. She then walks out the room to do something. We don?t know what as we stay on the carrier bag. After a few moments a voice can be heard. Its coming from the bag.

Mark
I think were here

Jim
You sure?

Chris
Well we have stopped

Mark
I?m so excited. We finally have a home!

Mark
Shh, they are coming back!

Silence once again hits the room until Claire once again re-enters. She opens the bag and pulls out a pint of milk and a loaf of bread along with?a small pack of spoons. She pulls out the spoons and leaves them on the side whilst she puts the bread and milk away

Mark
(whispering) I think I am going to sneeze!

Jim
(whispering) Don?t she will hear you

Mark (cont.)
I can?t help it, its being in a new environment that?s done it.

Mark starts to take big intakes of breath which indicate he is going to sneeze

Chris
Don?t?

But its too late. Mark unleashes a titanic sneeze, well, a titanic sneeze on a spoons scale. However, the woman doesn?t notice


Jim
She didn?t hear you.

Chris
I don?t think she can hear us

Mark
You sure?

Chris
(Shouting) HELLO!!!!

Nothing

Claire comes back over to the spoons and picks up Mark

Mark
(Ecstatically) I have been chosen!!

Chris
Congratulations dude!

Jim
(Shouting) Tell us every detail when you get back!!

Mark
(Also shouting) Will do!!

Claire takes Mark over to the counter and places him on the side while she gets a mug

Mark
OK. Here we go! Don?t mess up now!

Claire places the mug next to him whilst going to get the sugar and milk. Mark whistles to himself while she is gone. Claire comes back and places the milk and sugar down

Mark
OK. Here we go!!

Claire gets a tea bag out from a pot and puts it into the mug before reaching for Mark

Mark
Wahoo!!!

She dunks Mark into the sugar bowl, head first like all normal people do and brings him out with a spoonful of sugar. She pours the sugar into the mug and puts Mark in there as well.

Mark
(Spluttering) OK. That wasn?t too bad, not what I expected but its Ok

Mark sees the Tea bag next to him. Meanwhile Claire is waiting for the water to boil

Mark (to the tea bag)
Hello

Teabag
(Screaming) BONSAI!!!!

Mark
How are you?

Teabag
(Screaming) Bonsai!!!!

Mark
OK, I guess you don?t understand me

Teabag
BONSAI!!!!

Mark
Oh shut up!

Marks attention is brought back to Claire as the click on the kettle goes off to indicate the water has boiled. As Claire brings the kettle over the mug we hear Mark getting excited. As the water enters the mug we hear Mark and Teabag

Mark
WAHOOO!!!!!!!

Teabag
BONSAI!!!!!

As the water hits them it covers both Mark and the teabag in boiling water. The sounds of excitement turn to horror and they start to scream. Their screams are cut short as water covers their voices. We cut back to Jim and Chris

Chris
What?s happening? What is she doing to him!?

Cut to shot of Mark being stirred in the mug


Jim
I don?t know, but lets hope he?s OK.

Claire finishes stirring and uses Mark to fish out the teabag.

Teabag
(Very weakly) Bo?n..sa?i

He dies. Meanwhile, Mark is very much alive

Mark
It burns!!! Oh the pain!!!

Claire pours the milk into the mug and picks Mark up again

Mark
No!! NO!! Not again!!! Oh I wish I was born a folk!!!

But his screams fall on deaf ears as he is once again dunked into the mug

FADE TO BLACK

[Kev Owens]

Erm...

a mid 20?s woman who looks younger than she appears to be.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I don't think this makes any sense.

Overall, I didn't really like it, basically because I don't think it has any point to it. It reminds me a little of 'Toy Story'- inparticular the scene with the alien creatures who worship 'The Claw';

Claire comes back over to the spoons and picks up Mark

Mark
(Ecstatically) I have been chosen!!

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">the main difference however is that there was a point to that in Toy Story, here we just seem to have talking cutlery. It seems extremely short- I can't help but wonder if it's all there! Is the ending missing?

I'm sorry if this all sounds very harsh, I'm not having a go at you but you said you want to learn from your mistakes so I'm being honest and trying to give constructive criticism:

I'd say that you need to wait until you have a good idea, develop it- write a treatment, character bios, ideas- then only when you're happy write a 1st draft script. It seems to me that you may have been onto a good idea here, then you've rushed into writing a script without a developed story. Please don't take offence, these are only my opinions. I hope this helps in some way.

[Generic Skinhead]

Agreed. I was thinking Toy Story as well. Although I dont think theres anything wrong with having very short scripts. Nearly all the shorts I watch tend to drag, so I actually think you're on the right track here. Short, sharp, fast.

It is just a bunch of talking cutlery, but hey. It would be easy to film and I'm sure you'd learn something.

[james2183]

No offence taken. All valid points. The was no point to the story. Just a short story which I thought up. I dont feel that I could write a long script yet so just started small. Meant to be short, hence short script but hey thanks for your advice.

[Kev Owens]

Nearly all the shorts I watch tend to drag, so I actually think you're on the right track here. Short, sharp, fast.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I've seen a few shorts which have dragged, but in this case I (disagree with Despin) think that there's no real ending, I was suprised at where it stopped. In fact, this is more of a 'Stinger' than a short [a very short-short] considering a short can last up to 50 minutes.

But as you see, different people, different opinions- you can't please everyone, that you can always count on. [img]graemlins/rain.gif[/img]

[james2183]

Kev I agree with you on the ending. Thats what gets me most about it, I didnt know how to finish it. Going to work on it a bit more I think,

[deanl]

Hey there.

I thought it was great. Well done. It's perfect short story material. It has a begining a middle and an end. I enjoyed it. Yes it does remind me a little of Toy Story. But it also seems an original take on something you would never consider. That may not make sense.... It's good. Go make it.

"Nearly all the shorts I watch tend to drag, so I actually think you're on the right track here. Short, sharp, fast."

Spot on.

Despin out.

[emjen]

It's just simple fun. Hurrah.